Some ruminations about living in Israel

Margarita Mix is impossible to find. I've looked everywhere (I am having a small get together on Wednesday) and it's not at the market, the shuk, the makolet, the liquor store or the grocery store. Also finding fruits not in season is difficult. Like strawberries, blueberries and pineapple. I miss you strawberries during summertime. You are a yummy treat.

Also there's no Grape Jelly. I've found every flavor of jam and eventually settled on some strawberry preserve but why no grape jelly? They have Skippy peanut butter but no Smucker's? Grrr.

The bed that I sleep on in the apartment sits on a wobbly shabbily put together Ikea frame. Every time I sit or accidentally lean on the left side of the bed; 3/4 down- five of the wooden slats that hold the bed in place fall out. Every night I crawl underneath the bed to put them back in place and then ever so carefully slither back into bed and pray that they don't fall out again while I am sleeping. Curse you Ikea and your frozen meatballs too!

Also this the first building I've ever lived in with no front door. Apparently the crime rate in Israel must be low because no one seems concerned by this serious breach of security protocol. But it doesn't seem like there's much to steal in the apartment anyway- unless the lurking burglar is in need of a haphazardly made bed frame.

An apology: To the Orthodox girl in my class who was hacking and coughing- and so I slapped you on the back in that 1950's doctor kind of way because I didn't want you to die- only to have you spin around and sternly say "Don't touch me; I'm Shomer N'giah! {Jewish tradition where women aren't allowed any physical contact with men and vice versa) I am sorry; next time I will think twice before attempting to save your life.

Why do the cab drivers feel the need to rip off the American tourists so badly? Last saturday we took a cab to the Israel Museum to save some time to our day - I wasn't paying attention and forgot to tell the cab driver to turn the meter on. When we got to the museum which was less than one mile away - it was $12! WTF!

Israelis need to learn to wait in line. Many are pushy and rude and have very few manners. When the bus comes in the afternoon or at the market-there is a mad rush to the door. When my parent were at the Shuk they were waiting for the bus but then couldn't get on it because all the locals bumrushed the doors when it pulled to the curb. I am convinced that this is why there are no theme parks in Israel. Someone must have opened a Six Flags once with a "Line Cutters will be Ejected from Park" sign hanging at the entrance - but by lunch time there weren't any customers left.

Speaking of: To the woman that cut in front of me at Super Pharm the other day because I was waiting for the old man to finish receiving his meds before I asked the pharmacist for the Immodium (because everything from Advil to Pepto is behind the pharmacy counter!) and you cut in front of me waving your prescription paper in the air and I stuck my arm out in front of you and said "Slicha {excuse me} I was here before you" and you pretended not to know any English even though you damn well understood what I said - Back the fuck up - I'm ordering important drugs here.

Living in NYC I have become a very spoiled foodie. Israel is not the place to expect good Italian food, Indian food, Spanish food, Mexican food (well really any Mexican food - when I asked one cab driver where the closest Mexcian restaurant was he replied "mexican food too much like Arab food") Thai food, Chinese food, or sushi. Hummus they do well, pita- yum, spices and babaganoush- check. But marinara sauce or mango chutney? Steer clear. And a Chicken parm sandwich? Definitely not in this town.

Which brings us to the cheeses. Every menu just lists cheeses by color and not by type. "Such and such with yellow cheese" or "Salad with white cheese" - But how am I supposed to know whether it's goat or feta (no- they're not the same btw) swiss or american (scratch that-they def. don't have american here) mozzarella or cheddar.. you get the idea. Just list the damn cheeses on the menu.

And finally, seriously, what's the deal with the cats? There are cats in every nook corner and crevice of this country. There are cats on the balconies, in the streets, in the old city, by the Kotel, in the parks (which smell like cat pee), under the cars, in the trees. At times, I think that there are more cats than Jews. And the kids who are petting those cats...gross! I am not nor ever will be a cat person (Sorry Manders but you already knew). Someone said to me last week "Well, Israel used to have a big mouse problem so now they've traded it in for a cat problem." No fear - I have come up with a solution: Lions. I think if you put lions in the places where the mice and/or cats were- you could solve both problems the feline and the murine (of or relating to mice/rats - I had to look it up too). Also- added bonus - keep out unwanted Kotel visitors or better yet Western Wall tunnel tours led by Siegfried and Roy. The possibilities are endless. I will write a letter to Netanyahu (Israeli PM) tomorrow. Surely, he will agree with such wisdom.